schmaltzy_not

Settling in the spontaneous calm
of one's soul
Hoping this is not a mere sentiment
but an emotion
That will carry on til the very end--
the very end of a minute, of an hour, or even just of a day--
if only to quell the hunger
for things and memories past;
if only to numb the yearning
for moments and shadows cast.

On
A humbled existence
with
A silent plea
awakening in
A shed of light
believing in
A hopeful serendipity
keeping
An earnest prayer
with
An embattled cry

To return the contentment,
To fill the void,
To secure the solace
once lost
To return to the happiness
once found.

Damn right it does.

Eat your words, choke, and spit it out

But it still leaves a bad lingering taste in your mouth.

Twisties---thin plastic covered wire commonly found securing toys in paper boxes with a clear acetate window, holding children's treasures in place but at the same time is a cause of annoyance and incredible frustration. A kid's bane.

How many boxes of barbie dolls, rainbow brights, my little ponies, have caused utter frustration and have impeded excitement due to those darn twisties that prevent your 7-year old self from fully experiencing that brief few minutes of pure, uninterrupted pleasure of opening a brand new toy, opening the box's top, and immediately having the prize fall into your awaiting lap. No siree. That scene was always only imagined. Having already waited patiently and faithfully throughout the toy-possession process--i.e. 1. the tedious parental hinting, coercing, and sales talking, 2. the uber lengthy parental decision making process, 3. the extra long agreements and compromise between parent and offspring, 4. the endlessly long line at the cashier, 5. the excruciating length of the rest of the family's shopping trip (cause if you complain, you'll be blamed for wanting to go home for selfish reasons and the toy will be blamed), 6. the stomach turning ride home. And what further adds to the agony? Those darn wound up twisties. Some manufacturers even have the nerve to tape the twisties to the box! 7 year old hands claw at these horrible things, getting all scratched and a teeny bit sore. Of course a little bit more of patience is required but see...after that long excruciating wait, i think kids do deserve a break. It's like eating ice cream. All you have to do is tear open the wrapper and take a big bite! No fuzzy tape or additional obstruction---thus, the uninterupted undulgence!

What sparked the sudden outcry about twisties? Was at the mall today and saw a dad bring out a nice My Little Pony toy from a shopping bag for his little toddler of a daughter. Her excitement was apparent but it took a few more minutes before she could fully enjoy her prize. It took the mom a good couple of minutes to open the box, take the pony out of the box, just to untwist those dratted twisties. Grr. THAT reminded me of my own twistie frustration as a kid.

----

Unless some lucky fols have had the privilege of concerned elders, extracting the twisties and sealing the box top without your knowldge, just to hand it over and have you believe you have the first dibbs at the toy---most if not all, have experienced the anooyance and momentary frustration brought about by the twistie. Either that or you never had a childhood.

To hell with emotion

instead seek fulfilling inspiration.

Screw sentiment

in its place find the apparent.

Expel history

find comfort in present memory.


Eat. Sleep. Move. Beat.

in remorse, in pain

in parting, in hurt

that remains.


For now I lament.

I mourn.

I'm trampled.

Torn.

5 shots straight up and nothing.

Hell, what's up.

Even alcohol has given up on me too.

Neither here nor there.

Sewing the pieces

I find scattered everywhere.

With or without you.

Still dont know what to do.

Just losing myself slowly,

f*ckin painfully.

I stumbled upon life's pause,

Now stuck in a moment

that's standing still.

Everything moves

But not at my will.

Waking to the same damn endlessly long day,

Relinquishing power to do and motivation to say.




The worse feeling in the world

Is not not knowing how to solve a problem.

It's not knowing what the hell is wrong

what's going on

and why I cant wake up to a new day.

The worse feeling in the world

is losing yourself

and not knowing why.


Im seeking fulfillment

Im seeking comfort

Im seeking contentment

Im seeking...something I have not found.

or is it staring at me in the face

and I just cant see it?

When can I strike this balance?

I find myself lost

in the silence of my own making,

in the actions not of my doing,

in the choices im not making.

Ho-hum. Stuck in the infirmary of the mind and heart,
as well as that of the soul and body.

The Rainmaker.
Travel & Leisure.
Discovery.
Adventure.

Trying to Refresh and Rethink in the drought of emotions.

Haze and Storm,
Cold and warmth.

But still heavily breathing,
Forever thinking,
Impossibly Seeking

I Dream, I revel.

Hmmm...
Like water in a glass,
Traffic during rush hour,
Waiting for Client approval,

I'm at a standstill.

While partially delirious.

stalemate.

Snap on. Snap out.

Back to reality,

oops there goes gravity.


6 days of being lost in a place previously unknown.


Lost. But found, my way around. Loved it.

Uncertain. But later, undeterred to chart unknown territory.

On a culture-high. Loving it.

Simply Love it. Elated is the word.


"Krupkoonkah!"

I have just made an investment. For my future self.

Gut tells me it was right; but feel says it's quite iffy.

The deposit was small. But probably the rewards are hefty.


Though I might get sued.


I still have another active account--from which a long pending withdrawal should have been made.

But the timing's still not right.

The interest is still high. So are the exchange rates. And so is the opportunity cost.


For now I sit pretty. Waiting, and watching the fluctuation of the daily rates.

Crests and dips.

Like all traders and bankers, skepticism provides protection, just as much as optimism and risk reap benefits.

With all that said, will the investment yield profits?


Tick. Tock. Tick.


Hopefully, Ka-ching. Without me realizing.

Finally a firm decision

Arising from a complex, exceedingly twisted situation.

Was it right

Probably.

Will it be regretted

Hopefully--- not.

For now staus quo is the friendlier joe.

Patience is a keeper.

Still a long way to go.



The rest shall fall into place somehow.

Quite a fix. What a fix. Can I fix?

please no. know go. only slow mo.

befall. beset. beck and call.

strong call. weak willed. short fall.

shift weight. stand straight. dont be late.

ELSE...damned fate.

Hangin in the balance once more.

The ball lies in nomad's court.

...It is nowhere near somewhere.



I'm shaken, a little stirred.

Heavy and attempting to remain undeterred.

But still, avoiding the inevitable.

But now, a little bit wiser.



Thanks two Clincts two nights ago.

"Two things disturb me:

#1 You are forcing yourself to choose between two paths, and yet you do not know where those paths lead. Why force yourself? You do not have to force any decision just yet.

#2 Your language. 'I don't mind---; I'm okay-- ... ' You're settling."

Tick. Tock. Tick.

The universe will conspire.

An interesting 20 year book.

A preserved 3 month flyer.

A supposedly pleasant work day

Then the down time.

Then one of two books is retrieved

Then the flyer falls

Then it is retrieved

Then a surprise prank.

Then--a preempted revelation.

Silence. The act begins.

Anticipation, message exchange, & 5 hours later

The heart-stopping inquiry.

Awkwardness. The un-lie. The quasi-honest reply.

Silence. The deafening silent trip.

Then a curt exchange of words.

Then a slew of understanding looks.

The Brief escape.

Awkwardness. Anticipation. Revelation. Reply.

Reality sinks. embracing comfort. losing sense.

The solitary drive back.

The pondering night

and lapsed morning after.

numb. scared. fretting.

numb.numb. numb.

the inevitable just happened.

throw me a guidebook on how I should feel.

and deal.

Clarity like a muddy puddle

Enlightenment in an irrational plea

Conviction in a lost cause

Freedom in the smallest, minute degree

Hope like hazzy air

Choice in sheer despair

Disappointment in confusion-like haste

Serenity in pausing nightly

Patience like a dying river

Sentiments battling hither.

Were merely postponing the inevitable.


Amen.

Pain if you do, pain if you don't.

The knack for wanting what you cannot have. But once you have it, the thrill of success sets in for only a brief moment.

Then next thing to figure out is: What happens now?

A vivid dream. A premonition.

A tight situation. A desperate plee.


An unravelled deception. The unexpected answer.






Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.




Now, What to do.

The journey of my life has once more begun.

Anchor reeled in, boat once again facing the oncoming waves head on.

Another island is set to be discovered... one that the mind can only imagine.

Embarking on a new voyage risks trading safety for peril,

comfort for pain, apparent happiness for grief.

But remaining anchored does little good to me as well.

My spirit feels trapped, my soul feels chained.

I have to fight back the avoidance of the possible pain.

I may be hurt, I may be wounded, but not having ventured on might spell the end of me.

At present, I am surfing the waves. Observing the tides and determining the opportune time.

Once an opening comes, and my mind tells me it's right...I will let go, and go.

Paddle like mad and strike through the wall--

Not caring if I drown or if by accident I fall.

If I fall, I swim, I kick with all my strength,

If I cant go on, I float, I can be weak

But I know I'm still strong enough to reach

the next shore

that, for the moment,

exists only in my dreams.